Turn your Life Around Now

Fictional Stories — By Shopping Blogs on February 20, 2010 11:52 am

Are you sick and tired of feeling like you’re a fashion disaster?  Are your kids beginning to make fun of you for falling behind in your knowledge of science, technology, and fashion?  Are you looking for a way to show them that you’re every bit as cool as you used to be?  Are you looking for a way to turn your life around?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you’re going to want to pay extra special attention to this announcement.  We here at Vanity Surgeries Inc. have developed a revolutionary new procedure that’s going to make you the stylistic envy of all of your friends and family.  Today, we proudly unveil our newest vanity surgery: vanity metal plates that we can graft to your skull!  That’s right, folks: now you can have a metal plate attached to your skull for all of the world to see!

“But how in the world can you offer such a dangerous procedure?  Are you guys even certified?”

To answer your first question, we can offer our procedure because we have the best malpractice insurance that money can buy!  Of course, those malpractice packages don’t come cheap, so you can rest assured that you’re going to charge you an arm and a leg for our surgeries!  We couldn’t stay in business without you insecure, vain, egomaniacs!  Thanks for your business!  Oh, and to answer your second question: we’re not certified, but why should that matter?  Did Roosevelt go to medical school?  No, he didn’t!  And he still made piles upon piles of money!  If he could do it, then so can we!  And we’re going to!

“What am I supposed to do with this metal plate?  Why on earth would I pay for this procedure?”

You don’t do anything with your metal plate; your metal plate makes things happen for you!  That’s the beauty of it, really.  Once you have your vanity metal plate installed, opportunities (and sympathy, mostly) are bound to head your way!

“Is there anything I should know about this procedure?  Are there certain safety precautions that you recommend?”

Absolutely!  There are tons of safety precautions that we recommend.  If you own any GPS devices, get ready for them to break!  The metal plate in your head is going to interfere with most radio signals, so you’re just going to have to get used to living without them!  We can virtually guarantee that your handheld devices—you know, digital cameras and MP3 players—are going to break if you keep them too close to your new metal plate.  Radio interference is a crazy problem with these things!

“Are there any other devices that might break once I have my vanity metal plate installed?”

Well, you might start noticing some visual oddities in your plasma televisions once you have your vanity metal plate (or plates!) installed.  Most of our customers report that their digital cable doesn’t work after they get their metal plates installed.  Buy hey, that’s just the cost of being the coolest, most stylish person on the block!  If you want to beat out the competition, you’re going to have to make a few concessions here and there.  That’s just life!

“Could this procedure kill me?”

Yes, it could.  But, hey, you could be hit by a bus the next time that you leave the house.  You have to live life to the fullest if you want to stand out.  Oh, and one last safety warning: most speakers and subwoofers resonate with your vanity metal plate, which can give you some terrible seizures!  So, well, you better get used to living a life without music!

Call now and order your vanity metal plate today!  You want style and we want your money!  Call now!

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