The Lazy Mans Victory

Are you sick and tired of walking around on your own two feet?  Are you too poor to buy one of those fancy walking machines?  Are you too lazy to make it out to the store to buy one of those fancy walking machines?  Well, then I have something that you’re going to want to hear about: the Automatic Speed Lightning Shopping Cart Supreme.  That’s right, folks–we’re talking about a shopping cart with a gas engine that moves so YOU don’t have to!  We’re all about making life easy for you; making sure that you don’t have to do the sorts of things that made humans last as long as we did in the first place!

Our gas-powered shopping cart can get you from point A to point B with blinding, “life flashing before your eyes” speed!  That’s right: we’ve equipped our gas-powered shopping cart with a 1000cc motorcycle engine!  You can make it up to sixty miles per hour in under three seconds!  You heard me right!  You can take this baby on the highway!  Just be sure that you’re wearing a helmet…  If you hit a car, or even a tiny little bump in the road, you’re done for.

Our Automatic Speed Lightning Shopping Cart Supreme is outfitted with space age technology to guarantee a smooth ride!  Space age sand bands keep your shopping card from doing a flip when you floor it!  Space age soda bottles line the bumpers of the cart, guaranteeing that if you hit something, you’re not GUARANTEED to die!  Space age industrial trash bags make sure that you have a way to attempt to stop!  You’re going to need about three thousand feet, but you’ll stop eventually!

And let’s not forget, people, that we’re talking about a shopping cart, here.  That’s right.  This cart is made to help you simplify your shopping experiences.

Are you going TV shopping?  No problem!  Our Automatic Speed Lightning Shopping Cart Supreme is perfect for tearing butt around the electronics shopping outlets that are in your area!  And thanks to our steel reinforcement technology, it can actually carry up to one thousand pounds of product!  That’s right!  You can carry twenty or thirty TVs at once!  That’s impressive, is it not?

Are you going shoe shopping?  That’s no problem, either!  Our Automatic Speed Lightning Shopping Cart Supreme can get you into a new pair of shoes faster than you ever thought possible.  I mean, we’ll get you to the store at sixty miles per hour, and then we’ll get you THROUGH the store at sixty miles per hour.  Really and truly, you are never going to come across a better shopping cart than ours!

Now, I’m required by law to say a few things about our shopping cart, so bear with me for a second.

WARNING:

The Automatic Speed Lightning Shopping Cart Supreme is NOT recommended for actual use.  The statements made by this advertisement have NOT been evaluated by the FDA, FCC, or DMV.

This is a class F motor vehicle.  Using this shopping cart on the highway amounts to reckless endangerment, and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Should you be caught operating this vehicle indoors, you’ll suffer heavy fines and a possible prison sentence. This shopping cart is HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE.  It lets off an alarming amount of carbon monoxide, and should not, under ANY circumstances, be operated indoors.  If you begin to feel lightheaded while you’re operating this vehicle, park it and take a nice, long walk through a very clean park. Well, there you have it, folks!  Buy our shopping cart and say goodbye to the days of slow, tedious walking!

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