The Laziest Man You Know Henry

Shopping — By Shopping Blogs on January 25, 2010 4:57 am

Henry was a man who never had to work a day in his entire life.  When he was only twenty one years old, he inherited an enormous trust fund from his parents–what they’d saved up for his schooling before he’d decided not to go.  And though Henry had initially enjoyed living off of the wealth of his parents, he quickly became bored of living life without any realistic ambitions.  He’s spent a sizable amount of his inheritance shopping around for presents for his friends, but even this (ever so) humble activity began to bother him enormously over time.  It was with all of this in mind that Henry set out to make some radical changes to his life.  He wanted to become an ambitious young man–the kind of man to whom people might look up and say, “Wow, now that’s an ambitious young man!”

Of course, he knew that he could really make his money work for him if he put his mind to it.  Thus, he started his “new” life by investing his money in several companies that had caught his attention in the magazines that he read.  And though his parents begged and pleaded with him to diversify his investments–and though his parents were, themselves, rather established figures in the world of investing–Henry decided that he’d take a major gamble with a handful of companies in which he really, truly believed.  Of course, it didn’t take long before the economic downturn brought Henry’s investments to an all time low, and he was back at the mall shopping for presents for his friends.

His next big idea was to start a petting zoo for the elderly.  This, he convinced himself, was a market that no one had tapped.  Sure, the elderly could go to the regular petting zoos, but they’d have to deal with all of those little kids running around all over the place; not the relaxing experience that they were really, truly looking for.  Henry figured that he could enter the petting zoo market with a bang, introducing not only the first petting zoo geared at senior citizens, but the first petting zoo to feature real, full sized tigers!  Safety, practicality, expense–these were concepts that were far, far away from Henry’s mind.  Of course, that might explain why Henry mistakenly ordered men dressed in tiger suits instead of actual tigers–a mistake that did not bode well with his conservative, quiet-natured clientele.

Disheartened, ashamed, and confused, Henry once again set about shopping around for presents for his friends–something that, for one reason or another, brought him tremendous comfort when he stood in the face of failure.  His parents begged and pleaded for him to return to school, to pursue an education and embark upon a normal, socially accepted path.  The thought of such a normal life, though, was something that repulsed Henry a great deal.  That is, until he came up with his best idea yet:  a college for shopping .

The vision of a college for shopping practically punched Henry in the mind!  There would be no sticky investments to deal with; no fully grown men in tiger costumes scaring the living daylights out of perfectly innocent senior citizens.  This, he knew, was an idea that could actually work. 

He’d teach people the philosophy of shopping for comfort–the philosophy of using your spending power as healing power, and of making sure that you, and your money, live up to the higher purpose of devoting your entire life to shopping!  This idea was, no surprise, met with the enormous disapproval of Henry’s parents, but that would not stop him.  If it killed him, he was going to spend all of his parent’s money shopping and teaching other people how to do the same.  This, he concluded, was his life’s ultimate purpose.

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Tags: Fiction