Ralph A Terrible Realator

Shopping — By Shopping Blogs on January 25, 2010 8:42 am

Have you ever shopped around for an apartment complex before?  Are you familiar with the stress that most people endure when they’re shopping around for a place to live?  It’s hard to describe, I know, but we’ve all felt it at one time or another.  Shopping around for an apartment simply doesn’t compare to shopping around for a pair of shoes; for a new computer, a car, or something like that.  Shopping around for an apartment (or a home, I suspect) is a lot like shopping around for a new life; for a new home base, and a new source of comfort.  Thus, when we’re conducting this sort of shopping, we no doubt appreciate–even revere–the confidence of our realators.  When they look at us and tell us that we’re going to be confortable in THIS apartment–in THIS new home–we’re naturally inclined to believe them; thus, we allow ourselves to relax for a few refreshing, life-restoring moments. 

That is, unless our realators totally suck.  And Ralph, the protagonist of our sad little tale–well, let’s just say that Ralph certainly and irrefutably belongs to the latter category of realators.

Unlike his coworkers, Ralph has never mastered the ability to sooth homebuyers and apartment renters with promises of a better, more comfortable future.  Unlike his coworkers, Ralph has not mastered the art of using one’s appearance to convey power, confidence, and competance.  Unlike most people in this modern world, Ralph has not mastered the art of speaking without choking on his own saliva and blushing.  Ralph, in a sentance, is not the man who is going to help you–I mean really help you–move into your new home.

Let’s consider the mistakes that Ralph committed the last time he had to show a home to some prospective buyers.  Sure, you may not think that you know all that much about how to sell a home, and maybe, just maybe, you really don’t.  Of course, what you can do, though, is put yourself in the shoes of the poor people who thought that Ralph just might be able to find them the home of their dreams.

You should know, first and foremost, that Ralph showed up to his own open house in a car that might have found a better home in a junk yard than a parking lot.  Sputtering and wheezing its way down the road, it came to a stop in front of the house with a thunderous belch of thick, black smoke.  Ralph soon emerged from the vehicle, coughing and sputtering with equal enthusiasm, his face as red as the car’s chipping paint.

Ralph’s second mistake was perhaps the most damaging of his mistakes: he failed to successfully open the front door.  He was sure, he insisted, that he had the correct key, but for whatever reason the door simply refused to yield to his command.  He fought with it for several minutes, sweating and swearing under his breath.  The crowd of prospective buyers was, at this point, clearly unimpressed with his efforts–shocked, even, at the words he chose when he was swearing at the door (not the usual ones, no sir!).

After Ralph had succeeded in opening the front door of the house–a feat which cost him forty five minutes of his time and the fees of a nearby locksmith–he swiftly hammered the final nail into the coffin that his presentation had come.  As the front door opened, a terrifying sight came into a view: the house was completely gutted.  He’d brought his buyers to the wrong home entirely; the open house was on the other side of town.

In conclusion, it’s important to note that not all realators are like Ralph.  Ralph is, to say the very least, a uniquely qualified salesman: uniquely qualified to make the rest of his coworkers look really, really good.

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