Parents Listen Up

Shopping — By Shopping Blogs on February 24, 2010 12:31 pm

Welcome to A Guide to Responsible Parenting.  I’m your host, Robert Belter.  Each week, we tackle some of your most difficult parenting questions.  We care about you, and we care about your kids.  That’s why we do what we do.  I have to be honest, folks.  I have a court appearance in a couple of hours, so we’re going to get right to it this week.  They hate it when you show up late to court, you know?  Especially when you’re facing a felony.  Man, they take those felonies serious!  It’s all right though.  They don’t have any evidence.  They’ll never prove a thing.  I’m a responsible parent, you know?  I know how to teach them who’s boss without leaving a bruise, if you know what I mean.

But I’ve already said too much!  My lawyers flagging me down over there…  So, uh, let’s go ahead and start the show.  I’d hate for this stupid show to land me back in the pen … All right!  All right!  I’m starting the show.  Jeez.  Just read the first question, O.K?

“How do you feel about cribs and bassinets ?  Are they worth it?”

What kind of question is that?  Of course they’re not worth it!  I tell you what, if you start babying your babies, they’re going to get used to it.  You know?  Let me tell you a little story.  When I was a kid, my dad didn’t bother with any of that fancy stuff.  You know what I slept on?  I slept on a wooden board that he propped up with a couple of cinder blocks.  He gave me a cabbage to use as a pillow.  I’d wake up every morning with splinters and bruises, and my neck hurt something terrible.  But you know what?  That was an experience.  That was a valuable experience.  When my dad kicked me out on the streets when I turned eight, I knew what I had to do.  I was tough.  Don’t baby your kids.

“How do you feel about strollers ?”

Well, that question is kind of similar, don’t you think?  I hate them!  That’s how I feel about them!  When I was growing up, my dad made me walk.  He tried to make me walk even when I couldn’t walk.  You know how he did that?  He tied a piece of yarn around my ankle and drug me down the sidewalk.  And you know what?  I learned how to walk when I was three years old.  I’m a quick learner, and I thank my dad for that.

“Should I buy my kid toys ?”

Absolutely not.  Your kids can play with whatever you’ve got lying around the house.  You know what my dad gave me to play with?  Do you?  A sock full nails.  That thing was fun, and he didn’t pay a dime for it.  He knew when to spend money on his kids: never.  I love and respect my father for refusing to spend money on me.  It made me stronger.

“Should I worry about buying video games for my infants and toddlers ?”

Oh, for crying out loud!  No!  Don’t buy this kind of junk for your kids!  If they’re old enough to want this kind of stuff, they’re old enough to work.  It’s just as simple as that.  When they start asking for stuff, you send them off to work in the glue factory.  That’s where my dad sent me, and it made me stronger.  I love him for that.

Anyway, folks, we’re just about out of time, here.  I’ve got to make my court appearance or I’m going to lose everything.  So, until next time…  Enjoy yourselves, and don’t give those little brats a dime!

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